Last night during Vespers Satsang with Cate, I had tears of gratitude flowing down my cheeks because I was so happy to receive the important message that all specifics can be handed over to Jesus to manage for me when I surrender my goals and give over my life to the purpose of being in and extending God’s Love. What other job would I want to do? I had been struggling yesterday and the day before and before that with planning out my 6 classes that I’ll be teaching this winter term. I had forgotten it seems how to hand it completely over. Like Cate said in my mind I thought well, God or Jesus wouldn’t know the specifics of how an art teacher should teach this or that concept. haha. I forgot what it is all for. Now this morning I could sit and focus on connecting with God and trusting Him and His Voice to come in and show me what to do. My job is only to look at my fears and look at how inadequate I felt to do this planning the last week or so, how much anxiety, confusion and frustration I was feeling…and with real and lasting relief, joy and gratitude hand it all over to Him. This is what I did this morning ~ first allow myself to relax and then to look at my fears without judgement and with the willingness to be shown that they are false. I had a quite a few, so one by one I brought them up in my mind. I open my mind to feeling Loved as I little by little let go of the fears or the need to know or be right about something or how something will go. Little by little I was shown snippets of me teaching and what I’d do and what video to watch on YouTube. I began to relax and feel more joyful about the classes and how they’d go. My focus became on the students themselves and seeing their smiles and feeling myself smiling and sharing in a lighthearted way this material but really with the purpose or intention being to connect with each other. This was all working in with RFD which I have been doing every morning. And I got the message that I would like to participate in the script where everyone is blessing each other and walking home together no matter what is happening in form, not the script where I’m listening to the ego and feeling separate and afraid of everyone. And as I allowed this desire to settle into my mind, it was stirring up the fear of joining with other people, this fear that I’ve been carrying for so long, that there is something dangerous about that, about laughing together and being vulnerable together. And I am grateful I can see this fear, that it is coming up, because it must mean I am ready to release it.
It’s amazing Cate how your message came in at perfectly the right time in conjunction with Ken’s “Managing God’s Love,” which I’ve been listening to and the chapter we are reading in Myra’s group ~ all of it is connecting together to help steer me in the right direction. Thank you so much